What do corn dogs, Shakespeare, LSU football, and World Peace have in common? For all of you who lay awake at night pondering that question, we have answers.
This fall college football’s coaching carousel turned into a Tilt-a-Wheel, where you are spun around and turned upside down and filled with regret about the corn dogs and funnel cake you just ate. It used to be rare to fire a coach in the middle of the season, and yet this fall a record twelve FBS coaches were replaced before the end of October..
That list includes two names that no one would have foreseen at the beginning of the season. Penn State came into the fall as a leading national championship contender, but coach James Franklin, already under fire for his team’s inability to win big games, found himself out of a job when they couldn’t win the little games either. He has since landed on his feet at Virginia Tech.
LSU fired coach Brian Kelly midway through his fourth year in Baton Rouge, the day after a home loss to Texas A&M punctuated by Aggie fans doing mock cheers in the near empty LSU student section. LSU’s fan base lost patience with Kelly when he failed to follow in the footsteps of his three predecessors by winning a national championship.
If Shakespeare were to write a tragedy centered on college football, Brian Kelly would be a good choice as protagonist. Kelly is the poster child for the coaching version of the Peter Principle, that combination of hubris and restlessness that prevents coaches from appreciating how good they have it, leading them in an on-going odyssey until they land in an environment where they are no longer successful.
Kelly’s coaching journey has revealed both his strengths and tragic flaws. He won two national championships at Grand Valley State (a name straight out of a Chip Hilton novel), but at Cincinnati chose the banquet celebrating an undefeated season and Sugar Bowl bid as the perfect time to announce that he was leaving immediately for Notre Dame.
His Notre Dame tenure began with genuine tragedy (a student filming practice was killed when a hydraulic lift overturned in 60 mph winds) and ended with Kelly announcing that he was taking the job at LSU to compete for a national championship, something he implied wasn’t possible at Notre Dame. In a plot twist filled with Shakespearian irony, Notre Dame made it to the championship game last year while LSU missed the playoffs altogether.
The saga has only gotten more juicy since Kelly’s firing. Enter Louisiana Governor Jeff Landry, the Falstaffian comic relief if this was a play and not real life. LSU football is a key part of Landry’s political agenda, and last fall he arranged to have a live Bengal tiger on the sidelines of the Alabama game.
Landry inserted himself into the drama over Kelly’s firing during a press conference on another subject. He railed against agents and the extravagant buyout packages attached to coaching contracts, one of several tawdry trends that expose the increasing dissonance between college football and higher education. There is something wrong with a system where college athletes can’t afford to turn pro because they are making too much money playing in college, and where the highest paid employee in the entire state is a football coach.
At that point the governor seemed like a voice of reason. But, channeling Lee Corso, “Not so fast, my friends.” Landry went on to say that he would trust Donald Trump to hire LSU’s next coach more than Athletic Director Scott Woodward. It is not clear if that was intended as a compliment for the President or an insult to the Athletic Director, but 24 hours later Woodward was no longer employed at LSU.
Depending on your perspective, Donald Trump choosing the next LSU football coach is either intriguing or terrifying. If one’s strengths are also weaknesses, his strengths are his willingness to hire outside the box. Who else would appoint a suspected Russian propagandist as Director of National Intelligence, a Director of Health and Human Services who collects roadkill and swims in sewage-contaminated creek water, and a Fox News host (weekend, no less) to oversee the nation’s defense? Also, like Brian Kelly, the President knows first hand how quickly fans turn on you and stop tolerating your personal baggage once you stop winning.
LSU wants its next coach to be a winner. The ideal candidate would have head coaching experience, be offensive-minded, and have familiarity with the SEC. They want a “name,” with Ole Miss coach Lane Kiffin the leading target.
Donald Trump’s priorities are similar. He doesn’t like losers, and he likes hiring those who are offensive. He values loyalty more than competence, and he is a sucker for guys who look good on TV. He also has a thing for bad boys with a history of alcohol and sexual harassment issues.
What would a Donald Trump coaching search look like? Given what we know about his cabinet choices, here is a list of candidates a Trump coaching search might produce.
Current and former coaches:
Nick Saban–LSU says it’s looking for a “name,” and this is the name they’re looking for. They want to find the next Nick Saban, but might take the original. Would Nick Saban give up shilling for Aflac and VRBO to return to LSU? He already has the backing of powerful alums such as Shaquille O’Neal, star of “Shazam” who played basketball at LSU.
Urban Meyer–the only coach other than Saban to win national championships at multiple schools. Perhaps more important, has served as a Fox Sports commentator. Still young enough for another run, but how would a coach named Urban play in rural Louisiana?
Tommy Tuberville–perhaps the inside candidate. Coached in the SEC and has the loyalty thing down pat. Knows X’s and O’s well enough (just not the other letters of the alphabet). Overmatched in his current job, so may be ready for a new opportunity.
Joe Moglia–Trump has a fondness for hiring billionaires, and the former Coastal Carolina coach also served as chief executive at TD Ameritrade.
Hugh Freeze, Bobby Petrino–both have SEC experience and both fit the bad boy model.
Lee Corso–Could wear LSU Tiger head while coaching.
Brian Kelly–Yes, he was just fired, but bringing him back as his own replacement would be Trumpian. His contempt for the press might make White House press secretary a better fit.
Some Other Candidates
Herschel Walker–a longtime Trump favorite, dating back to the USFL and Celebrity Apprentice. No coaching experience, but won a national championship in the SEC as a player. His only downside is that he might be labelled a DEI hire.
Gary Busey–another Celebrity Apprentice alum, has played a football coach in a movie.
Billy Bob Thornton–played a football coach in “Friday Night Lights.” Better Southern accent than Brian Kelly, and “Sling Blade” character evokes memories of Ed Orgeron.
Mark Sanchez–former NFL quarterback has not coached, but has been a Fox NFL analyst and contestant on “The Masked Singer.” Currently unemployed, and pending felony charges for assault could move him up the list of candidates.
Joe Exotic–If a live Bengal tiger is going to be on the sideline, the Dr. Oz of tigers would be a reassuring hire.
King Alexander–the former president of LSU understands Louisiana politics and the LSU fan base. Naming him would also troll the No Kings movement.
Mike Johnson–LSU alum who knows Louisiana politics and is a master of shutdown defense mechanisms. Has been on vacation all fall so wouldn’t have to give up current job, although might want to.
Marco Rubio–Trump’s go-to whenever a job needs to be filled.
“Bark Boy” or “The Guy Caught Stealing Cotton Candy from a Child on the Stadium Cam”–Both made Allstate, if not All-State, and clearly no regard for norms.
All of those are viable candidates, but is it possible that President Trump has already hinted at whom he would support for the LSU job?. He has recently talked multiple times about his desire to “promote world peace.” Most observers have interpreted those comments as part of Trump’s relentless campaign for the Nobel Peace Prize, but what if he is referring to not “world peace” the concept, but rather the athlete formerly known as Metta World Peace?
Metta World Peace checks a lot of boxes. He is a fighter, having served the longest suspension in NBA history for his role in basketball’s equivalent of January 6, the “Malice in the Palace” riot. He has been convicted of domestic abuse, and has appeared on not one but multiple reality shows (Dancing with the Stars, Celebrity Big Brother, The Masked Singer) as well as serving as executive producer of his own. About the only drawbacks for World Peace’s candidacy are that he endorsed RFK Jr. for President in 2024 and his lack of football experience. The first might be a dealbreaker, but Trump has never let a lack of experience or competence cloud his hiring judgement.
Both world peace and World Peace may be longshots, but which is more likely? You may scoff all you want, but when you see the announcement on Truth Social, remember you heard it here first.